What To Do When You Feel Like a Failure
Feeling like a failure is a common insecurity people experience. It is something I have felt many times over the years.
Truth is anyone who has succeeded has also failed along the way. Failure is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be seen as a bad thing.
However a lot of people (myself included) will focus on their mistakes, failures and setbacks in life instead of acknowledging their accomplishments, wins and successes. Our perspective is narrowly focused on what we could be doing better instead of what we are already doing great.
Culturally there is a very particular image of what success is painted to be.
Most view success as securing a high paying job, creating a million dollar business, having a closet full of designer clothes, going on luxurious vacations multiple times a year, owning a big dream home, married with kids, have thousands of Instagram followers, a luxury sports car etc.
Hustle and workaholism is praised. Being busy is worn as a badge of honour.
Our culture is a rat race, an endless struggle of keeping up with the Joneses.
Melissa Peer said it best “If you are like many of the millennials out there today, you’re probably spending the majority of your time trying to play this “game” and get it right, too; putting in so much energy and effort thinking it will make you great or bring you happiness.
Either you’re trying to win at something as opposed to learning.
Expanding your social circles as opposed to building friendships.
Chasing a promotion instead of doing what you love.”
What is funny is even reading these examples I love to learn, I focus on building genuine friendships and I did pursue what I loved. Yet I STILL have this internal battle of “I need to do more, I’m not good enough, I’m a failure.”
This feeling of being a failure can occur regardless what your goals or values are.
I believe this feeling like a failure comes when you place extremely high expectations on yourself.
I’ve always been very goal oriented and found a lot of my self worth came from achievements. But my achievements never really brought me any joy or fulfillment longterm because it never felt like enough, which came down to me never feeling good enough.
Even when I did succeed at something it felt like I put so much time and energy into it that I was exhausted and didn’t feel much joy in the process.
I realized this is a toxic cycle, endlessly trying to fill a void of improving myself, succeeding more, never feeling good enough and that I’m a failure.
Once I became aware of this battle within myself I started being more easygoing about life and gentle with myself.
A big shift for me to improve this negative feeling was to shift to feeling gratitude for everything in my life, to celebrate my accomplishments and do things just because I enjoyed them.
I was never that person doing things to impress other people, I always pursued things because it was what I genuinely desired. But I have been incredibly hard on myself in the process.
Now that I am 29 I am noticing these feelings of being a failure rising up again. I am experiencing a lot of internal pressures to meet certain societal expectations. I feel I should be in a relationship and be getting married soon, I should have more money saved, I should be farther ahead in my career by this age, I should be buying a home and not renting. This list goes on.
Actually the word “should” is not accurate. I want these things. Which confuses me because I question whether it’s societal conditioning telling me that’s what I should want at this age, or if it’s something I truly do desire.
I thought I would not be affected by these societal pressures because I actually love living my life in an eccentric way, but some days it does get to me and I feel down on myself because I haven’t ticked off these things yet.
I spoke to one of my closest girlfriends about it and her advice helped me change my perspective (she also said this is advice I gave to her a few months prior) It was to write down all the accomplishments or experiences I have manifested into my life over the years.
I wrote out two full pages of my accomplishments and manifestations and I could have kept going. It felt really good to see everything I have manifested into my life written out. Seeing this list reminded me that I have done so much and when I set my mind to something I can accomplish challenging things.
Writing this list also helped because I was not comparing myself to anyone else, instead I was acknowledging and celebrating what I have done.
This is a beautiful reminder that you are a powerful creator and can create anything in your life when you align your thoughts and feelings with what you want to manifest and take inspired action.
Another tip is to ask yourself why do you feel like a failure? For me it is because I haven’t accomplished certain things by a certain age, but I am the one saying I need to do certain things and by a set time. That means I also have the power to take that pressure off myself. I don’t need to rush, I can take my time and you can too.
Lastly reevaluate your goals. Are these things you truly desire for yourself?
If no one else knew about your accomplishment would you still be happy and proud of yourself?
Or is it something you want to keep up with everyone around you, to prove your worth, to feel more successful than other people, make your parents proud etc?
So to summarize what to do when this feeling of failure arises:
Write out all the things you have accomplished and celebrate your wins
Feel gratitude for everything in your life (you are currently living what a past version of you dreamed of!)
Take the pressure off achieving something by a certain time
Reevaluate your goals and make sure they are things you truly want for your own happiness, not to impress other people
Also just give yourself a break! If this feeling arises there’s no need to judge yourself for it. You are doing great and you get to decide what a fulfilling and successful life looks like to you!
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