How to Cultivate Deeper Self Love
Cultivating deeper self love is not a pretty process. Getting pedicures and massages are great self care activities that boost how you feel but cultivating true, deep self love feels messy and is difficult at times.
My own personal self love journey has evolved over the years. Here are some ways I’ve committed to show more love, compassion and acceptance towards myself.
Quitting my “dream job” so I could start my own brand photography business. This was an act of self love because this was the first time I did something people really didn’t understand. It looked like I was giving up everything I worked hard for. But to me my dream had evolved and I wanted to take the risk of starting a business when I was 23 rather than waiting until I was 33 and had more life responsibilities.
Booking a brand photoshoot. I was always self conscious of my body growing up, and even though I was a photographer I did not like being in photos at all. I decided to book a photoshoot for my 24th birthday with a photographer so I had more content to share online that showed me in it. This actually was a big boost to my confidence, and doing something that pushed my comfort zone also improved my self esteem.
Ending a long term relationship. When I was 24 I made the difficult decision of ending a 3.5 year relationship with a really great guy who I loved very much, because it was clear we had different goals in life & we began fighting more because our lifestyles clashed. I remember telling him I wanted to travel Europe for a few months, move to Toronto because I wanted to get out and do more activities, meet people & focus on growing my new business. He just wasn’t interested in any of that and was comfortable in his serving job, living at home and playing video games every night. I decided I wanted a partner who had ambitions and a desire for adventure like myself and I left without knowing if I would meet someone I was compatible with but decided it was worth the risk.
Moving home and saving money to travel. Again another decision people didn’t understand. It looked like I was moving backwards in life but I didn’t care what people thought. I knew I wanted to travel and not put all my money into paying rent. I saved up $8k and travelled Europe for 4 months with my sibling! This wasn’t too long after my relationship ended so it was satisfying to take action and make this dream happen.
Investing in my personal growth. I worked with various business coaches, mindset coaches, somatic healers, attended workshops and breathwork events to help with my own healing. Investing in myself like this was a huge act of self love, it was declaring working on this mattered to me and I was worth it. This is the type of investment that improves your quality of life but you can’t always see the improvement from the outside like you would if you bought new clothes, jewellery, a home etc.
Ending friendships that weren’t healthy for me. Again from the outside this doesn’t look like an act of self love because all of a sudden I had a very small group of friends but to me I was raising my standards. I wasn’t going to allow certain behaviour into my life anymore. I decided I needed to feel happy and appreciated when I was around my friends, otherwise they weren’t the right people to spend time with. I had to become okay with spending time alone and having a small circle of friends I could trust and who genuinely cared about me. I was done with people who always brought drama into my life, criticized my body, were mean/teasing, controlling, were jealous or competitive with me, didn’t support my goals etc. Also gracefully letting go of past friendships because we simply grew apart. Either because we lived in different cities, had different interests or values. Sometimes that happens too and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Forgiving myself for what happened in the past. I acknowledged that I am not a perfect human being and I’ve made mistakes in the past. Breathwork helped me process the guilt and shame I was hanging on to and also inner child work. A lot of past events were from when I was young and I had to accept that I didn’t know better at the time, and I do now. This step in the self love process is painful. Forgiving others is challenging, but forgiving yourself is even harder.
Learning to accept and love the parts I feel ashamed about. I wrote down all the qualities, quirks, habits etc I felt embarrassed by or I judged as weird. I learned to embrace my weirdness, I now have the perspective that I would rather be fully me and considered weird or quirky than try to fit myself into a box and appear perfect and polished. I know I can be too sensitive, idealistic, a dreamy romantic, woo-woo, messy, lazy, shy, loud, goofy, and more. But instead of judging myself I’m embracing my imperfections.
Not getting into a relationship just so I’m not single anymore. I’ve had thoughts cross my mind that maybe I’ve been single for too long and as I get older I’ll “expire” then no one will want to be with me. I realize this is a common fear among women, so I can relate to my friends or clients that share this with me too. Society puts a lot of pressure on women to settle down while they still have their youth. But I haven’t met someone that I felt a deep connection with that also expressed they wanted to be with me. It’s not something I want to force and choosing a partner to be in a relationship and build a life with is a BIG decision. So instead I’ve focused on creating a life I’m really happy with and growing into the best version of myself. Not giving into the pressure to settle down because I haven’t found the person I want to do that with yet has also been an act of self love for me.
Accepting I’m not where I want to be in life. This may sound like a funny act of self love but I think some people can relate to the feeling that their life didn’t go according to their plan and it didn’t turn out how they wanted it to be. I thought that by 29 I would be in a relationship, maybe married, buying a home and have more career and financial success. I remind myself I’m still young and have time, I also acknowledge all the things I have accomplished and experienced! My life isn’t what I exactly expected but I am grateful for all the blessings in my life. Instead of trying to control the outcome I am surrendering to the unfolding of my life more. I trust everything is working out for my highest good and I’m enjoying the journey and worrying less about reaching an end goal.
Improving my weaknesses. I think a big part of self love is taking an honest look at yourself and deciding there are areas you want to improve because it would improve the quality of your life and relationships. For me this meant making healthier food choices, working out consistently, taking action towards my goals, becoming a better listener and communicator, becoming more confident, setting boundaries, not chasing people/opportunities, be less judgemental and more compassionate etc. I put time into improving these areas not because I don’t feel good enough but because I want to be the best version of myself possible.
These are some of the ways I’ve been practicing self-love that have positively impacted me.
What ways do you practice self-love in your life?
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