Healing the Father Wound
For years I’ve tried different therapy techniques to heal the wounds left from the relationship with my biological dad.
For some context, my biological dad was an alcoholic, suffered from depression, overworked himself to the point of burn out, and eventually him and my mom separated when I was 14 when troubles escalated he refused to get help. My dad and I then grew distant after the separation and he moved to a city 8 hours away.
As a kid I remember him working a lot, being tired when he got home and not wanting to play or be around us as kids. He wasn’t very affectionate, and not the kind, warm, loving energy that a kid craves from their parents. He was negative, judgemental, and I always felt like a burden around him. As I got older I could see he was clearly going through his own internal battle.
For those unfamiliar with what the father wound is, it is the absence of love and acceptance from your father.
The father wound can be caused by:
Neglect – physically or emotionally absent
Abuse – physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual
Absence – due to separation, divorce, or death
Withholding – love and/or affirmation
After learning what the father wound was and realizing based on my past I most likely have some trauma related to it, I analyzed my emotional and behavioural patterns and how they showed up in my life and in relationships with men.
Some of the things I experienced were:
Pressure to prove my worth through achieving & striving to be perfect
Highly critical towards my body and appearance
Not feeling safe around men, especially ones that were very masculine
Feeling a sense of shame, unworthiness and never good enough
Resented being controlled, criticized or given feedback, especially by men
Distrust, anger and even some repressed hatred towards men
Fear of men desiring me, viewing them as predatory and afraid of men using me for sex
Dating men more in their feminine energy and then having to overcompensate and be the one to lead and make decisions
Being highly critical towards men and always looking for flaws or what was wrong about them and why they wouldn’t be a good partner for me
(Thankfully I’ve overcome/improved on a lot of these emotional patterns and am generally just more aware if they arise now.)
And despite the challenges I’ve experienced in regards to men in my life, I do desire to open up, be authentically myself and have safe, loving relationships with men (platonic and romantic) while also being discerning and selective of who I let into my life.
Due to the self help/healing world I had the belief that I needed to heal my father wound in order to attract a healthy, loving man to be in a relationship with. While I do believe it is necessary to feel and release any repressed emotions from the past, “healing yourself” is not something you just complete one day. So my perspective has shifted recently.
Instead of needing to heal that wound completely, I actually just need to learn to accept and love that part of me. The side that feels abandoned, not good enough, not wanted, unseen and unloved. And the part of me that doesn’t trust men, feels hurt and scared to let them in.
Something that has also been very healing for me is sharing this part of myself that feels so unworthy and ashamed and having friends, family and past partners still love and accept me regardless.
I had a male friend I spoke to in depth about my past with my dad and he really helped me shift how I saw my past. He illuminated all the work I’ve done on myself and how great of a partner I would be to someone.
His ability to hold compassionate space for this side of myself I was ashamed of broke through my fear that if I were share this with someone they would view me as damaged, broken, undatable or weak. Or worse… being labelled as someone with “daddy issues.” (That term makes me cringe) Instead he saw me as strong, with clear discernment and still deeply worthy and capable of giving and receiving love.
I think it goes to show, the people meant to be in your life won’t run away when you share the darker parts of yourself or your past with them. They will see the best in you and care for you.
I heard this quote that was powerful, it was something along the lines of “Imagine someone getting to know your past, not to use it against you, but to learn how to love you in the ways you need most.”
I hope you takeaway from this post that you are still lovable with those wounds from past events, and the right people will want to be in your life and will learn to love you in the ways you need.
Some other tips to help heal the father wound are:
Validate yourself - whatever you are seeking from your father or men (praise, love, encouragement, stability, quality time etc.) learn to give that to yourself
When emotions arise, feel it and release it - there may be many layers to process from events in your childhood that were too intense to feel at the time so it was safer to repress them, and it helps to have trustworthy practitioners help with this part too
Establish healthy friendships with men - finding men you trust, feel safe around and that are kind and respectful to you is very healing to be around
Create safety within your body - practice being in a calm, grounded energy through meditation, breathwork or intuitive movement and to not always be in a heightened state of anxiety, fear or hypervigilance
Visualize & connect with your inner child - if you feel triggered visualize your inner child and ask what they need, maybe they need to hear you will not abandon them, you love them exactly as they are and they are safe with you
Have other safe, caring and supportive father figures - I feel blessed that my step-dad has been in my life since I was 14 and has given me a healthy role model of how a father should be. He’s kind, encourages my goals, listens, is protective, enjoys spending time together, is always helpful when I need his assistance and tells me how much he loves me. If you have an uncle, grandfather or another man that steps in to fill this role that helps with healing the father wound as well.
Over the past several years I have been fortunate to meet and form relationships with men who are compassionate, patient, good communicators, and who respect and cherish women. I had a relationship with a past boyfriend who felt very opposite to my dad, and since then I have had male friends that exhibited these heart centred qualities too. So I do see there are wonderful men out there!
If you have wounds around the relationship with either of your parents or that stemmed from childhood know that despite those wounds or traumas, you are not to blame for what happened to you. And it certainly doesn’t mean you are not capable of having a healthy, happy relationship in the future. You are worthy of it and capable of attracting it into your life. ❤️