10 Lessons About Love, Dating & Relationships
I recently turned 30 and over the last 15 years I’ve been in 5 relationships, made friends all over the world while travelling, met a variety of people I went on dates with and focused on deepening my self-love. I’ve learned many lessons on the topic of love, and these lessons apply to romantic relationships but also platonic. The lessons are universal!
Also surprisingly being single and going on dates has taught me a lot about myself, what I value in a relationship and how to approach dating. You can learn a lot from being in a committed relationship and also learn different things while in a period focusing on your personal growth.
In the past 5-6 years since my spiritual awakening I have also become aware how our beliefs, emotional state and point of attraction affects the relationships in our life. So I have a few spiritual lessons woven in here as well.
1. You don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are a vibrational match for. You can want something but not believe it is possible or not feel worthy of receiving it, therefore you are not (yet) a match for it. Most of the inner work is believing what you desire is out there and feeling worthy of receiving it which means you have no resistance around it.
2. Dating is a mirror, it reflects back our own internal perceptions and beliefs. Use every date or romantic interaction as feedback to help you uncover your limiting beliefs around love and relationships. (hint: if you find yourself using the phrase “all men/women are ______ or all men/women only care about _____” there is a 99% chance you have a limiting belief)
3. Do not approach dates like an audition. Neither person should be trying to impress the other or win their approval. Instead go in with the intention of “I am here to connect, get to know this person and share my authentic essence.” Authentic, genuine connections can only be built when two people are being honest and being themselves.
4. No one is trauma free. Every single person has had some sort of painful experience in their past, and that’s not a bad thing. Challenges and hardships build character depending how you respond to them and overcome them. Instead of looking for someone that is “perfectly healed” (which newsflash, does not exist) look for someone with self awareness, willing to take personal responsibility, works on regulating their own emotional state and practices conscious communication.
5. Being able to hold space for your partner’s past pain/trauma is a love language. Getting to know what your partner experienced in the past and how it affects them presently will help you navigate present conflicts. Be understanding, patient, communicative if a past wound of theirs get triggered and offer reassurance that past situation is not happening in the present.
6. Your partner is not there to fill you up with what you are lacking. You are whole. There is no void to fill. If you find yourself saying “I need them to make me feel _____” (ie. happy, safe, cherished, sexy, proud, desired, validated, masculine, feminine etc.) it is a good practice to go inward and find ways to cultivate those feelings within yourself first. You can then appreciate when your partner uplifts your emotional state, but not depend on it.
7. Be the embodiment of love. Love isn’t something you need to give and receive selectively, love is a state of being. You can choose to BE love in every moment, regardless of your relationship status. Plus when you embody love, it feels great! And you also attract more love into your life.
8. Learn to enjoy being alone. Enjoy being single and learn how to enjoy alone time. Many people stay in unfulfilling and toxic relationships to avoid being alone, as if their own company was that awful. When you learn to enjoy being alone and your baseline is peace, happiness and fulfillment, you aren’t willing to settle for connections that bring your baseline emotional state down.
9. Don’t pause your life just to wait for a partner. I’ve heard of people waiting to travel, go to retreats, or pursue their dreams until they are in a relationship. But that is like putting your life on hold waiting for it to start once you meet someone. Enjoy every moment right now, do all the things you dream of and you will have many interesting experiences and stories to share with your future partner that will enrich your relationship.
10. Determine what you truly value in a partnership. Chemistry and attraction differentiate a romantic relationship from a friendship, but that might not be the best foundation for a partnership to thrive. Do you have shared interests? The same goals and values? Great conversations? Enjoy spending time together? Get clear what you are looking for so you can find a partner who values the same things as you in a relationship.
Which lesson did you find most valuable?
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